With the New Year's arrival came a sad realization - I've let myself go. It's only been a few months, but my self neglect has been so complete that I'm ashamed and disgusted. I thought if I could record this realization then in the future I could refer to it as a reminder of where I don't want to be, also as a sort of confession in an attempt to be "real" about my choices and my accountability. All of this has been a choice, conscious or not to sabotage myself. I own it.
Spiritually I have not been keeping up. I am a regular 'pray in my head' lady - but have taken fewer and fewer opportunities to actually kneel and speak vocally with my Father in Heaven. I have ceased personal scripture study completely (if I'm being honest I haven't really been good at that since I got married). Family Home Evenings have been fly-by-the-seat-of-our-family-pants affairs and my attitude has been one of hurrying through it instead of enjoying it. Family Scripture Study was given up during the holidays and before that it was everyone-read-a-verse-before-school. Lame. I can smell the mediocrity, the complacency, just typing it.
Physically I'm lost. I am a sugar-pounding black hole of appetite. I eat everything I can find and I'm always looking. I don't sleep right, am always tired, stay up very late and struggle pulling myself out of bed in the morning. I have pubescent acne all over my body and terrible sores on the back o my neck that I am constantly picking. I have eczema and dry skin, oily hair and sores around my eyes. My stomach hurts constantly and my back is always sore - particularly my low back. I get a headache every couple of days and have been holding on to a sinus infection for almost a month now and have sores in my nose. My gums are always sore and bleed and I know I have a couple of cavities. My periods are miserable with at least two or three days of hard cramping before the bleeding starts. My periods are now very irregular, both in when I start and the length of the period. My libido is almost non-existent and I am grossed out by my body. I have no desire to cook, prepare or shop for food.
I have been very short-tempered with the kids and easily offended by Tyler. I take a lot of things personally that normally I would be able to just let wash off me. I find myself hiding from my family - taking long bathroom breaks (with my ipad). I spend inappropriate amounts of time (as in several hours a day) playing ipad games, checking facebook and watching crap TV. I have started thinking and even saying not nice things about people.
These things are all seemingly 'little' things. Probably only Tyler has noticed a change in me (other than the fat rolls that are pretty obvious). I am not the person I want to be and I'm sick of my bad choices.
So - this year I'm going to try to focus on "what's important". Rather than make a laundry list for myself of all the little things I'm going to do I'm going to try to evaluate what I'm doing, to 'self-check' constantly and make sure that the time I'm spending is being spent well. Then even if I don't accomplish all the things on my laundry list, or have a million things to check off at the end of the day, I will know that my time wasn't wasted. I'd like my focus to be to "ALWAYS REMEMBER HIM".
We had a family home evening the other night. I had been thinking about this for a few weeks and decided to talk to the kids about having a Christ Centered Home. Tyler wasn't home - he was helping a friend move. For some reason the kids were calm that night, most of them were listening and participating and we discussed having a Christ Centered Home. We decided that we would stop yelling in our home. I was surprised at Kabe's reaction. He was very tender and even cried. After I asked him about his response and he told me that he hates yelling, that sometimes he reads to try and run away. That was very telling.
Bottom line - I want to look back on this entry in three months and have a different story to tell - one of peace, of happiness, of no regret and fewer back choices. So - here we go.