My eyes are on the blitz. Two days ago while driving I sneezed. This is a harrowing experience - have you heard that your heart actually stops beating when you sneeze? It's like a mini-death experience. It's not good when you're driving because you have absolutely NO control. This was, however, an even more serious sneeze than usual because upon recovering my senses I realized that my left contact was in fact, gone! Not gone out of my eye - gone INTO my eye. See I blinked so hard mid-sneeze that it popped the little plastic disc right up behind my eye-ball, back in the very back where you can't see it yourself. There was nothing I could do and it's not one of those jobs that I could ask one of my kids to help me with (yikes!). Needless to say, the contact was boring a hole in my brain for about 3 hours until Tyler got home and helped me get it out. By that time I'd had one heck of a day (including a massive blow to the head from a queen sized box springs). My head was pounding and I gave up on contacts for the rest of the day.
It happened again yesterday. This time after about 2 hours and intensive searching on my part I got it out. My contacts don't fit. This leaves me wearing my glasses until I can find an eye doctor in the state of Texas that accepts Medicaid (any ideas?). Here's a million dollar question. How does a person put on eye make-up with glasses? I thought maybe the glasses hid my eyes and removed the need for eye make-up, sadly, Tyler disagrees. I can't apply it without the glasses because I can't SEE my eyes unless I'm mere inches from the mirror. I can't apply it with the glasses because I make a mess everywhere and inevitably end up with mascara in places that it shouldn't be. Please explain this - it's befuddling. I'm befuddled.
Speaking of befuddled. How is it that Kabe and Ksenya have always, since they were very small, understood the concept of puking into a bowl? I took it for granted that children just knew this and now today I find that Ayvri has to find a new place to puke every time and hasn't made it to the bowl, the sink or the toilet even once. She has, however, managed to get the stairs, the floor, the couch, the chair, her blanket, her sister's blanket, her bed and her clothing (twice). It's perplexing. I'm perplexed.
Fruit flies. They're really disgusting and make me feel like a terrible house keeper but if there's any produce in the house, there are the flies. Gross. They are also the party to an inaccurate cliche! Ksenya was being snotty with Kabe and I told her, "Did you know that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar?" She didn't understand so I took the opportunity to teach a little lesson. I brought my children into the kitchen and got out two cups. In one I put a little honey, let them smell it and taste it. That's sweet isn't it? In the other, a little vinegar. Not so sweet. Which do you think the flies will like better? We covered the cups in plastic and poked some holes in the top. Then we discussed how you get your way more often by being sweet than by being sour. Good lesson right? Fast forward to the next morning when we examine our little experiment and find that you do not, in fact, catch more flies with honey than vinegar. The little buggers liked the vinegar and the honey cup was full of sugar ants. Ants - they're really annoying. I'm annoyed.
More on purging. I've always been a "let's-just-get-it-over-and-puke-already" kind of girl. No holding back, you always ALWAYS feel better after puking. This morning I've been watching Kabe and Ayvri try to keep it down. They're really wrestling with their stomachs and I'm thinking, "dude, let it happen!". So then I start feeling sick. Oh man I hate feeling noshus (how on earth do you spell that word???). Please let me puke, I'd love to puke right now, come on - just come up already! Finally . . . success. and guess what? I feel better, but then I do the darndest thing. Seriously I'll never understand myself. I go for the last chocolate malted milk ball. I mean it just seems wrong to have the purge and miss the binge right? Doesn't seem symmetrical, I'm all about symmetrical.
Did you know that things are actually cleaner when they're moved to a new location. I prefer rearranging to cleaning. It feels cleaner just because you moved a little furniture. Then there's the real cleaning. It takes me approximately 3 hours to mop my kitchen floor. It takes my family approximately 30 minutes to crud it up. And who on earth invented grout? It's pourus (again with the spelling problem), it stains easily and it's dadgum hard to scrub. I would like a teflon floor please? You know, something non-stick and self-cleaning? In our technological age it should be possible.
I have hypolordosis (or is it hyper, I never can remember). This is a term that you'll never hear unless you are married to a chiro-in-the-making. Basically it means that I'm as sway-backed as a red-neck pony. Try this. Stand up and tip your hips as far forward as you can and your shoulders back. This is my posture problem (posture is learned, by the way, so I blame someone else for this problem). You know what the solution to this problem is? Abdominal muscles. Normally your abdominal muscles balance your back muscles and hold it all in, but if your abs have gone through what mine have (4 kids) then they might just not be proportional. Which brings me to my most recent exercise program. Cross-fit. If you haven't heard of this little doozy you need to look it up. We (Tyler and I) started on Tuesday night with a good friend of ours who graciously did not laugh at my feeble attempts. The work-out on Tuesday was called Barbara (the newest swear-word in our house). Here's the scoop - first we did a killer warmup. When that was over they told me that if I was shaking I over-did it on the warmup. Thanks for that! Then we do 3 rounds of the following 20 pullups, 30 pushups, 40 crunches, and 50 squats. Total that is 60 pullups, 90 pushups, 120 crunches and 150 squats. Here's what I was capable of: 30 pullups, 22 pushups, 120 crunches and 80 squats. For the last two days I haven't been able to walk normally. I hurt all over. It hurts to chew my food! But, my posture has improved dramatically. I owe this entirely to the fact that I have to protect my aching abdominal muscles. We're scheduled for a new work-out tonight. If it doesn't kill me, I'll be a whole lot stronger!!!
It is impossible to feel skinny in clothing that has a "Motherhood" tag. Just as unflattering is the word "Duo" on the tag. Bottom line, even if it fits and is modest . . . maternity clothing is a blow to your self-worth unless you are actually carrying a child on the inside. I'm making new tags for all of my clothes. They're gonna say, "Hot Mama" on them. That should help right?
Thanks for listening - the natives are stirring which means naptime is over and my flagrant lack of productivity and feeble attempt at adult cognition must now come to an end. Perhaps I'll ramble again the future . . . it was therapeutic.